Tenchi Alternate Universe
by Graffito Tag
Summary: Mihoshi brings home her favorite super hero who, along with Tenchi, is transported to a parallel dimension. Enjoy and laugh (hopefully).


TENCHI ALTERNATE UNIVERSE  
  
  
It was a beutiful day at the Masaki household again, and the first day of winter. Everyone is sitting on the couch enjoying the flavor of their drinks.  
  
RYOKO-"Hey, Tenchi! Look, its snowing again!"  
  
TENCHI-"Oh, don't worry about that." Tenchi sips his 'Mr. Tea' brand imitation tea beverage and watches the snow...disappear instantly, revealing a sunny summer day. "See, I told you."  
  
RYOKO-"I don't think I'll ever get used to that..."  
  
YOSHO-"Well, Tenchi, now that the long winter season is over, it's time to resume your training."  
  
TENCHI-"Aaww, do I have to?"  
  
YOSHO-"Yes, and don't whine about it."  
  
TENCHI-crying-"But I wasn't whining...*sniff*..."  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, you're absolutely sure that you aren't..."  
  
TENCHI-"No, Ayeka!"  
  
AYEKA-"Good."  
  
YOSHO-"Okay, Tenchi, first I want to test your skills. First I wan't you to arm wrestle with Ayeka."  
  
TENCHI-"What? Well..okay..." He and Ayeka place their elbows on the coffee table, and he takes her hand.  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, why are you turning red?"  
  
TENCHI-"It's nothing..." Everyone tries to supress thier laughter.  
  
YOSHO-"Ready...GO!" *crack*  
  
TENCHI-"Owweee! My arm!" He starts crying again.  
  
AYEKA-"Oh, Im so sorry, Tenchi!"  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi, you're such a pussy! Take me now!" Ryoko throws herself on the floor and spreads her legs.  
  
TENCHI-"Dammit, Ryoko, I'm not a pussy...speaking of which..."  
  
RYOKO-"Mmmm...yes, Tenchi?"  
  
TENCHI-"Could you move yours? I can't get to the tv." Ryoko looks a little annoyed, but sits back on the couch anyway, and Tenchi turns on the tv (Yosho, having completely given up on any type of training, went to practice his favorite sport, nutsack bungee.)  
  
MIHOSHI-"Kiyone, that's an impressive lap dance, but I really want to watch tv now!"  
  
KIYONE-"Oh fine!"  
  
SOMEONE-"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"  
  
TENCHI-"Hey, it sounds like Grandpa just broke his old record!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Turn it back one channel! Oh wow! It's my favorite Fox tv show, CATCH PHRASE MAN!"  
  
RYOKO-"What kind of stupid show is that?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"It's about an extreme sports star who uses catch prases to catch criminals!"  
  
CATCH PHRASE MAN-"It's time to dial it in, amp it up, turn it on, take it out, pump it up, go to the store, sand with the grain...."  
  
ANNOUNCER-"Will Catch Phrase Man ever finish his catch phrase? Find out, after these messages!"  
  
AYEKA-"This show is repugnant! Change the channel!" Before Ryoko can change it, Mihoshi jumps infront of her, blocking the tv.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Please don't, Ryoko! I love this show!"  
  
TV GUY-"Attention all Catch Phrase Man fans! Catch Phrase Man will be making personal appearances at these Action Packed malls!" A list of malls scrolls by.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Hey! I recognize this one! Lets go there this weekend, Tenchi! PLEASE!"  
  
TENCHI-"No."  
  
  
THAT WEEKEND, AT THE MALL  
  
TENCHI-thinking-"Dammit, who would have thought Mihoshi could kick balls so hard?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Who wants to meet Catch Phrase Man with me?"  
  
TENCHI-"No one."  
  
MIHOSHI-"...Fine then!" Mihoshi runs off, leaving Tenchi (along with Ryoko and Ayeka, of course) to find something else to do.  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, why did you agree to this? Oh, the whole ball kicking thing, I remember."  
  
RYOKO-"Ayeka! Dont be such a bitch to Tenchi! He can't help that he's a wuss."  
  
TENCHI-thinking-"I'll show them! I'll prove I'm not a wuss...but how?" They walk around the mall a little while, when Tenchi notices a banner hanging over a door.  
  
TENCHI-thinking-"Hey! That gym is having an ass kicking contest! I can use my Jurai powers to kick peoples asses, then everyone won't think I'm a pussy!"  
  
1.5 MINUTES LATER  
  
AYEKA-"He's waking up!"  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi! Are you alright? How many fingers am I holding up?"  
  
TENCHI-"Uhhgg..my ass!"  
  
RYOKO-"No, it was four."  
  
AYEKA-"Be careful, Tenchi! You're probably bruised!"  
  
RYOKO-"Who woulda thought that one legged guy could kick so hard?"  
  
TENCHI-"Hey, he was using that karate kid stuff! That's cheating!"  
  
AYEKA-"Sure it is, Tenchi..."   
  
  
MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE IN THE MALL  
  
  
Catch Phrase Man was becoming bored with all the annoying kids bothering him. Which is why he was really glad when he saw the attractive, blonde, significantly older fan approach him.  
  
CPM-"OOhh...who's this?"   
  
On second thought, Catch Phrase Man wasn't glad, as he was as gay as Tenchi.  
  
CPM-"Hey! That's not fair!"  
  
Alright, but it won't be as funny this way...Anyway, Catch Phrase Man WAS glad to see Mihoshi. Mihoshi was also excited, and kind of wondering who Catch Phrase Man was yelling at.  
  
CPM-"Hello, young lady."  
  
MIHOSHI-"OH WOW! It's the one and only Catch Phrase Man! Would you say your catch phrase for me? Please?"  
  
CPM-"Oh, well, I'd love too...but I only have three hours left here. Say, why don't we get to know each other better...later?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I can't believe it! Catch Phrase Man is hitting on me!"  
  
GUARD-"Ma'am, please move along. Catch Phrase Man has other people to hit on."  
  
CPM-"I'm sorry Miss...uh.."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Mihoshi!"  
  
CPM-"Miss Mihoshi. Tell you what, meet me at the Shito Phreez stand in the food court at 8."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Okay! Yaay! I've got a date with Catch Phrase Man!"  
  
  
MEANWHILE, TENCHI WAS SITTING ON A BENCH RECOVERING  
  
AYEKA-"I'm back Tenchi. The Pillow World man said that they didn't have anything softer than this." She hands Tenchi a pillow, which he straps to his ass.  
  
TENCHI-"Thanks, Ayeka." Mihoshi runs cheerfully up to them.  
  
RYOKO-"Finally! Let's go, Tenchi. If we hurry, we may be able to catch Judge Judy. Today is the stolen prostitute marathon!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"You can all go ahead. I'm staying here. I'm going out with Catch Phrase Man!"  
  
RYOKO-"Mihoshi, you should be careful around those super hero types. I still remember the time I went out with 'Daredevil-the man without liver'. That drunken bastard!"  
  
TENCHI-"Have a good time, Mihoshi!" Tenchi adjusts his pillow. "Okay, lets roll."  
  
  
THAT NIGHT, AT THE MALL  
  
  
MIHOSHI-"..and then I went to France, and I ate some cheese, and then, I went to Hell, and it was.."  
  
CPM-"That's interesting, Mihoshi. But, why don't you tell something about you thats acutally true?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Oh...okay...uh, I work for the Galaxy Police. We spread truth and justice throughout the universe!"  
  
CPM-"So why is it called the Galaxy Police? Shouldn't it be the Universe Police?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"....I don't really know. I'll have to ask Tenchi."  
  
CPM-"Who's Tenchi?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"He's this guy I live with. He's really nice...but kinda wussy..."  
  
CPM-"You live with someone?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Not just me. There are...lets see..."  
  
10 minutes later  
  
MIHOSHI-"....5 other girls living there too."  
  
CPM-thinking-"Hmm...6 women in one house. Must be one of those wierd sex comunes...now, how to get in on the action..."  
  
CPM-"You know, Mihoshi, I would love to see your house."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Wow! I'm sure everyone would be honored to have such a big star visit!"  
  
ANNOUNCER-"What Catch Phrase Man doesn't know, is that to prevent any adult situations, we have replaced his genitalia with that of a dwarf field mouse. Let's see if he notices."  
  
  
LATER, BACK AT THE MASAKI HOUSE  
  
Ayeka and Ryoko were sitting infront of the tv, and Sasami was singing a merry tune while she cooked dinner.  
  
SASAMI-"...mess with me, I'll put a foot in your ass. Whicky whick boom whicky..."  
  
TV-"...No your honor, I have proof that she was my prostitute as of June 12."  
  
RYOKO-"No way! He's lying!"  
  
AYEKA-"Shhh! I'm trying to hear Judy bitch at him!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Hi everyone! I'm back! And look who I brought!"  
  
CPM-"Hello citizens."   
CPM-thinking-"Oh man! This is too good to be true! All these fine chicks ripe for the picking!"  
  
TENCHI-"Oh..uh..Hello Mr. Phraseman."  
  
CPM-"Thats Catch Phrase Man....not Phraseman."  
  
AYEKA-"My my! You're so..heroic..."  
  
CPM-thinking-"Thank you."  
CPM-"She must be easy! Ooops!"  
  
AYEKA-"Excuse me?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Come on Catch Phrase Man! I want to show you my favorite room in the house!" She drags him into Washu's lab.  
  
AYEKA-"Hey...where is Washu?"  
  
RYOKO-"She said that being 12 years old was too stressful. She's at the daycare center perfecting her coloring skills."  
  
TENCHI-"AAaaaaahhh!! I superglued my eyes shut!"  
  
RYOKO-*sigh* "Tenchi, we don't have any superglue in the whole house."  
  
TENCHI-"I was saving some so I wouldn't lose my contact lenses."  
  
AYEKA-"You don't wear contact lenses either, Tenchi!"  
  
TENCHI-"STOP YELLING AT ME!!! Waaahhhh!!"  
  
  
AND, IN WASHU'S LAB  
  
MIHOSHI-"...and then I accidentally shot myself with this thingy!"  
  
CPM-"Hey, what's this thing over here? Is this a bipolar fractal gravitational disrupter?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Wow! You must be real smart Catch Phrase Man! You sound like Washu."  
  
CPM-"Thanks Mihoshi."   
CPM-thinking-"She'll never figure out that I just made it all up...hey, why do my pants feel so loose?" Tenchi stumbles into the lab.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Oh Tenchi! I'm glad you're here. You can take a picture of me and Catch Phrase Man infront of this big dimensional portal doohicky."  
  
CPM-"Mihoshi, I don't think that's such a good idea..."   
  
MIHOSHI-"Nonsense! Just stand right there, and I'll go get the camera." She runs out of the room.  
  
TENCHI-"Hello? Where is everyone? I can't see."  
  
CPM-"Tenchi! Be careful where you're walking!"   
  
TENCHI-"Whoa!" -trip-  
  
BOTH-"Aaahhh!" They fall directly into the interdimensional portal (no shit).  
  
MIHOSHI-"Okay, I'm back! Hey...where did everybody go? Tenchi! You aren't trying to steal my boyfriend are you? I knew Noboyuki was telling the truth!" she runs away crying.  
  
MEANWHILE, IN A WAREHOUSE IN SOME OTHER DIMENSION  
  
CPM-"Dammit! Get your head off my ass!"  
  
TENCHI-"That was your ass? Sorry!"  
TENCHI-thinking-"I knew it was his ass the whole time. Heh heh heh." Tenchi removes himself from Catch Phrase Man.  
  
CPM-"Well, thanks a lot, Tenchi. Now we're in some odd, possibly dangerous world that we know nothing about, and on top of that, I can't have sex with Mihoshi!"  
  
TENCHI-"But on the plus side, I think I can open my eyes now."  
  
CPM-"Well, just try not to screw me up while we're here."  
  
TENCHI-"Hey! I have super powers too you know!"  
  
CPM-"Being a homo isn't a super power."  
  
TENCHI-"Damn...I mean, no wait, I have REAL powers too!"  
  
CPM-"HHmmm...is that right. Maybe you can be my new sidekick. Can you act like an idiot, be skinny, and put 'holy' infront of everything?"  
  
TENCHI-"You mean like holy shit?"  
  
CPM-"Try being more creative, like..uh...Holy pussy cheese, Catch Phrase Man!"  
  
TENCHI-"Holy fucked up example!"  
  
CPM-"That's more like it. Now lets go." They open the door of the warehouse and walk into the street.  
  
TENCHI-"Everything looks normal." They walk down the street, passing by a crowd outside a toy store.  
  
TOY CLERK-with megaphone-"I'm sorry everyone. We are out of Sakuya action figures! I repeat, we have sold out of Sakuya action figures." The crowd begins rioting at this announcement.  
  
TENCHI-"I take it back Catch Phrase Man...I'm getting kinda scared."  
  
CPM-"Me too. Walk faster."  
  
  
LATER  
  
TENCHI-"Wait a minute! I think I remember this place!"  
  
CPM-"So you think you can get back to your house from here?"  
  
TENCHI-"I know I can!"  
  
LATER STILL  
  
CPM-"Dammit, Tenchi! How could you lead me into a desert? Especially since we are supposed to be in Japan!"  
  
TENCHI-"Holy you're mean, Catch Phrase Man, I think I made a big mistake!"  
  
AND EVEN LATER  
  
They have successfully retraced their steps, and are back in the city. Whoopdy shit.  
  
  
CPM-"Alright Tenchi, lets go exactly the opposite of the direction we went last time."  
  
TENCHI-"Doesn't that seem kinda crazy? I mean, I couldn't have been completely wrong every time!"  
  
  
10 MINUTES LATER  
  
CPM-"Here we are."  
  
TENCHI-"...I guess I'm an idiot. Hey look! Washu is on the roof! She must be doing some kind of experiment." They rush to the house.  
  
WASHU-"Hi I'm Washu, and welcome to Jackass." she jumps off the roof head first. *SMACK*  
  
TENCHI-"Washu? Why the hell did you do that?"  
  
WASHU-"Huhhhuhh...it's funny!"  
  
CPM-"That's strange...I suppose. Quickly Puss Boy, to the..."  
  
TENCHI-"Wait a minute, why did you just call me Puss Boy?"  
  
CPM-"That's your new sidekick name. Anyway, let's get inside. I'm sure that if anyone can help us get back to our dimension, they will be in this house!"  
  
TENCHI-"Wait...how does that make sense?"  
  
CPM-"Tenchi, first rule of superheroing: Don't ask retarded questions. Now lets go." They walk into the house, where all the chicks seem suprised to see Tenchi.  
  
RYOKO-"Oh, Tenchi! I'm so glad you made it back from your workout, I need to speak to you about the importance of abstinence..."  
  
AYEKA-"Ryoko, I don't think he cares."  
  
RYOKO-"Oh poo! Fine, I'll be in my room reading the Bible."  
  
TENCHI-whispering-"Catch Phrase Man, I think I noticed something wierd!"  
  
CPM-whispering-"Yeah?"  
  
TENCHI-whispering-"We never gave Ryoko a room."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Hey, Tenchi, I bet you're all sweaty from exercising. You want to go and take a shower...with me?"  
  
AYEKA-"Mihoshi, you have to fix the TV, there's no time for sex." Catch Phrase Man turns around and punches a hole in the wall. "Hey, Tenchi..who's your high strung friend?"  
  
TENCHI-"This is...Ayeka, are you toking up a crack pipe?"  
  
AYEKA-"Yeah. So? DAMMIT MIHOSHI! I'M MISSING MY WRESTLIN'!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I wouldn't have to replace the 2012A transistors so much if you would keep the fuses properly calibrated!"  
  
CPM-whispering-"Tenchi, I think she may be our ticket out of here!" Kiyone runs downstairs.  
  
KIYONE-"TENCHI! YOU'RE HOME!" She jumps onto Tenchi, knocking him over. "0h! I'm so sorry! Don't hit me again!"  
  
TENCHI-"This is fucked up!" Tenchi pulls himself up. Tenchi notices Sasami busy burning the food again.  
  
SASAMI-"bum bubum bum...Wenn sie aus den fausten bricht..."  
  
TENCHI-whispering again-"Holy odd Catch Phrase Man! Everyone knows that Sasami prefers gangsta rap to German heavy metal!"  
  
CPM-whispering-"I think I've figured it out. This world must be exactly the opposite of yours!"  
  
TENCHI-"Holy cliche, Catch Phrase Man!" Suddenly, there is an angry slam at the door..  
  
AYEKA-"Hello, Tenchi...wait a minute! Thats two Tenchi's!"  
  
TENCHI-"What are you talking about? That's not me! That's Joseph Stalin!"  
  
JOSEPH STALIN-"Ayeka! Is obvious that I am real Tenchski! Let us be love making, yes?"  
  
AYEKA-"Everyone! In here, quick!" The girls run into the room.  
  
RYOKO-"I can't believe it! Which one is the real Tenchi?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I know that the real Tenchi has a huge cock!" Catch Phrase Man laughs his ass off.  
  
TENCHI-"Shut up!"  
  
JOSEPH STALIN-"Fine! You have discovered my secret! I am not Tenchi!"  
  
EVERYONE-*GASP*  
  
TENCHI-"Wait, why did I gasp?"  
  
JOSEPH STALIN-"I am actually..." he transforms into a shadowy figure. "THE BLACK RUSSIAN!"  
  
CPM-"No! It can't be!"  
  
TENCHI-"What does this mean?"  
  
CPM-"That's the Black Russian, part of the evil Alliance of Alchohol! But the question is..."  
  
BLACK RUSSIAN-"How I got here, correcting be Catch Phrase Man? Simple! Vhen your portal transported you to thees universe, I used energy released to power my own portal! BWAAHAHAHAHA! Now I would like to introduce you to my allies...Starting with JACK DANIELS!"  
  
JD-"It's time to kick your ass, DOWN SOUTH STYLE!"  
  
BLACK RUSSIAN-"...BLOODY MARY..."  
  
BM-"I'm not on the rag, you chauvanist prick!"  
  
BLACK RUSSIAN-"...HARVEY WALLBANGER..."  
  
HW-"Hey, is that a wall? Oh baby!"  
  
BLACK RUSSIAN-"...and finally, SHIRLY TEMPLE!"  
  
ST-"..on the good ship Lolly DEATH!"  
  
TENCHI-"Holy stupid crap Catch Phrase Man! What the hell was that retarded sequence all about?"  
  
CPM-"Don't make me remind you of rule one, Puss Boy! Now quickly, to catch phrase pose!" They get into a battle position. "Now CATCH PHRASE! Let's amp it up..."  
  
TENCHI-"Dial it in!"  
  
CPM-"Bite the ass!"  
  
TENCHI-"Kick it up a notch!"  
  
CPM-"Verb the preposition!"  
  
TENCHI-"Uh...Catch Phrase Man..."  
  
CPM-"Exagerate the size!"  
  
TENCHI-"CATCH PHRASE MAN!"  
  
CPM-"Dammit, Tenchi! You made me forget my place. Now I'll have to start over!"  
  
TENCHI-"Ouch! Help me!" The five villians were kicking Tenchi's ass.  
  
CPM-*sigh*"Dammit! Why do I always have to do this alone?"  
  
30 MINUTES AND A FIGHT SCENE LATER  
  
TENCHI-"Thanks, Catch Phrase Man! Now the police will take it from here!"  
  
CPM-"Uh...actually, we should probably hide the bodies..."  
  
TENCHI-"Now we still have to worry about getting back home..."  
  
  
THEY RELATE THE SITUATION TO WASHU  
  
WASHU-"..duyhhh..."  
  
  
THEY REMEMBER IMPORTANT FACTS, AND RELATE THE SITUATION TO MIHOSHI  
  
TENCHI-"So you mean, there's no way to get us home?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I'm afraid not. But it might not be so bad."  
  
CPM-"How do you mean?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Well, for one thing, I have a photographic memory...and I've read the kama sutra." Catch Phrase Man becomes giddy. "Let me show you, Catch Phrase Man..." She leads him to the bath house.  
  
TENCHI-"Well, at least he's happy, but a few things still bother me..."  
  
AYEKA-"Like what? *burp*"  
  
TENCHI-"Like, where's the me from this universe?"  
  
ELSEWHERE  
  
SAKUYA-"...and these shoes are absolutely perfect!"  
  
TENCHI-"Yes, dear..."  
  
BACK HOME  
  
TENCHI-"...and I thought that a Shirly Temple was usually non-alchoholic..so why would.." He is cut short by Mihoshi's uproarious laughter.  
  
CPM-"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY DICK?"  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
